Just an indulgence

I am sitting at my desk waiting for TOAD to transfer the data returned by a query to an excel sheet. There are 119,230 rows to be transferred and its gonna take a long time. So I am enjoying the luxury of surfing internet, downloading mp3's and listening to some Bengali tracks. Thanks to my flat mate for providing me with this mp3's which I am listening to after a long time. I used to listen to these numbers when I was in college. Right now I listening to Bhalobasha by Porosh Pathor..a track which ranks very high on my list of favorite songs. Though don't know the reason behind it being so close to my heart. May be it is due to the fact that the song had made a perfect entry at the very right moment. It was then when someone very special was knocking my door. This song described my life very aptly at that point of time. It reminds me of the moments spent sitting at Princess Ghat(don't know if I am spelling it correctly), lost in the moment with passion deeper than the Ganga flowing by. It reminds of the moments spent at Esplanade Metro Station waiting for someone to come and give me a tight hug with a smile and then justify her being late by 2 hours. To put it in Bryan Adams' words "It reminds me of the best phase of my life"..best in every sense when I was yet to be bitten by life, smitten by reality. I was yet to realize that we are mere spectators of the rendition directed by someone else..though don't know who this else is. No!! We are not mere spectators. We also get the chance to perform our part in it..but it is limited only to that. Once we are done with our part, the rest is left to that unknown else. He decides what the next bit is going to be. Well let’s get back to the track.

Bhalobasha mane archies gallery,
Bhalobasha mane gopon gopon khela.

I am simply taken aback as to how all the love stories have the same prologue to start with. But then the epilogue is surely not the same for all and it is again decided by that mysterious identity that I am referring to as the else. May be this track best describes this initial phase. But then the songs ends in season-I. And the next seasons are yet to come. It tells us about the baby who is as pure as GOD, as genuine and true as the light coming from sun and not virtual like the moonlight which is very soothing but something which is just a reflection and which gets lost in the day light when everyone is awake. It describes the Spring, the Winter and the Fall are yet to come.
Oh!! This is another track which again ranks pretty high on my personal chart. Its 'ami sudhu cheyechi tomay' from Nil Nirjane. Now this time I actually can't figure out why I used to like this track so much. My life used to be a bed of roses then. The soft petals were yet to turn to painful thorns. But this is the first time I am actually able to relate to it. Let me listen to this number once and understand it in a way better than ever I cared to.
Yups!! TOAD is still busy loading the data in the excel file. So, I still have few more minutes to indulge into writing a piece which doesn't have any particular object as such. May be this is what you call indulgence. Ok lets get back to the track from Nil Nirjane..man its awesome. Who says emotions and feelings can't be replicated into words. Listen to this song and if you have experienced the cruel and barbarous season of Fall, you will surely say that whoever said that was himself not capable enough to do it. This song aptly puts into words the phase which makes you grown numb, though not comfortably. It takes you on a journey to the moment when you become a body without a soul, when you keep looking for your shadow even after knowing that the sun has set long back and deny not to lean on to the ray of hope which was never there. I don’t know what I am writing. Don’t have any particular object in mind. Just trying to pen down whatever is coming to my mind.
I guess you guys will forgive me for making this sin.
Anyways, TOAD is done with the job assigned to it and so am I.

Mon, boro abujh ei mon, Kichu je mane na hai
Abiram, ahoto shritir bhir, tobuuuuu
Ami je cheyechi tomay, Ami sudhu cheyechi tomay

Kakhun, jani na to kakhun..apcha hoye kuwashay
Ami sapnor pathe pathe sudhuuuuuu,
Hai koto khujechi tomay, ami sudhu khujechi tomay
Ami je khujechi tomay, ami sudhu khujechi tomay

Bey0|\|d |n$@nity

You think I am insane, I don't mind.
At times I feel pitty for you,
But then I realize IGNORANCE IS BLISS is not a meaningless phrase.
I wish even I could turn my face from the bitter truth,
But destiny had already planned my rendezvous with reality.
Neither do you consider me a part of the crowd,
Nor do I want to be one of them.
I am coming to terms with it,
I don't mind being considered an insane.

A Tribute to the Circle ...

This is a poem that I came across, thanks to another buddy ...

Party hard, rock 'n' roll, speed, weed, birth control,
Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and say goodbye,
To all the preps who think they are cool, fuck you baby, stoners rule,
Stoners live and stoners die, But in the end we all get high,
So when in life you dont succeed,
Fuck the world and smoke some weed!

As I see it

You were born human . And you know why ? Just so that you could feel all the emotions other animals cant...acceptance, anticipation, surprise, anxiety, contempt, disgust, guilt, anger, hatred, fear, grief, hope, joy, desire, pleasure and so much more ... And the emotion that stands out most in us humans is love, of course.Its love that makes us feel all other emotions.Many say that is what makes us human ,our capability to love and love unconditionally. Yeahh !! read about it,heard about it,believed it once …and ya....what load of crap !!! Love is word created by us to define that which we could not understand after years and years of toil. So we decided to give a name to that which we do not understand and use the word as it suits us.And we have tried,tried to find the meaning of the word after it had been created,but with no success,and being hypocrites that we are,we use it as we can to fit our bills.

Something different happened one day.Someone came along who made us cry,made us laugh, held our hand,spoiled us and all of a sudden the person became the world to us.We believed this more than everything else,and very conveniently,called that love.And before we knew,we stood at the crossroads of our destiny,oblivious to the imminent and inevitable fall. And naïve as we were, we could hardly have even dreamt that what we held so dear,what we thought was the world to us could all have just been an illusion. Love took us beyond insanity and put us on a highway to hell.We took the fall ,crashed down real hard and it’s a miracle we made through it alive. We’ve heard great stories about people in love,and their love stood the test of time.They loved,suffered,lost everything… and still they never gave up love.They stood with each other through all pain and suffering,and though ununited even in death,their love still lives on to this day.And the love as we see today,though inspired so heavily from the sagas, fails to stand the simple test of time.

All the inconsistencies that love today exhibits,just makes me think that the great stories of the past are just myths, and if they aren’t ,are stories of people who were real insane.Human kind continues to exhibit the same insanity even to this day,only that this insanity is so impermanent,it actually becomes a subject of ridicule.Its like horse-back riding,all chills and thrills till you have the horse and its back under ur butt.Its all so confusing,not being able to decide what to believe and what not to..I decided to think with a level head.I pondered and then I came up with an explanation to suit me.Love isn’t spending the lifetime with one another, it isn’t living together or living for the other half,its not union in death or life thereafter.Love isn’t when time stands still…..Love is what you feel when someone makes you live only in the moment.It’s love when you live your life as you want to without any obligations or repercussion.It’s love when a moment retains its freshness and beauty whenever you come back to it.

Bomb has been planted. (C4 timer set to 35 seconds, bomb-defusal time 4 seconds)

Enemy spotted! Need backup… Need backup……

Those were all that could be heard from one of the team-mates, who was guarding a narrow entrance to the bomb site. I didn’t know who it was, neither had I the time to care to know. I even dint know how the game started at this point. But howsoever it started, the game was up and we were in the middle of it. It was a flaw of the map or it was a prank of the server, which remained at a place beyond my level of understanding, but I was somehow stuck with half of my body buried inside the ground, completely paralyzed, as if I was out of the game. My pistol was lying on the floor, well out of my reach. I knew I was on the verge of losing my motive to fight for it, and preferred to make a habit of it from that particular moment in the game.

“Team fall back”….. That was the only radio command I could use and the command was also the only element of assurance for me of my being in the game. I never wanted to help that particular mate and the situation had provided me with a best possible weapon of excuse. He could barely manage to notice the MASKED CTs before he lost his last strength of vision. He died struggling to find their intentions as if it was never within his mind’s reach; even though he was supposed to know the game rules before playing it. I got a hint of his identity when I saw the dead list. We had to continue the match without I | motiv3, without a comrade who was one of our few biggest strengths. Those uncountable numbers of heartless, heavily armored skilled CTs, equipped with unknown rifles, smoke bombs, flashes and grenades, were coming to storm from all sides of the site to overpower us. Death of a comrade had fuelled to a better awareness of the situation among other guarding terrorists, forcing them to take safer positions, though in a subtle way they were aware of the fact that the lose had lowered their odds of success.

They were about to rush in. Very soon they were going to breach through all our flawed defenses. They bore a note of pretention calling themselves “The defenders of the map and something else” (they dint even know what it really was) in a vicious manner, with a proper justification to their violent motive in a completely unjust way. Grenades, flashes and “Fire in the hole”…. radio commands. Time had almost frozen when they rushed in, leaving each of us with a choice between a life less than 20 seconds and death. For the first time a 20 second life seemed a huge challenge and worth fighting for to us. The two big boxes around me, standing like two pillars and unknowingly justifying their purpose of creation, somehow managed to hide me from enemies’ view allowing time to be little more merciful to me.

I | pa$$ion[say_team]: “lol! do somethn!! Jump out and knife them if that’s the only thing u have."

I | Vi$ion[say_team]: “some1 help him out plzz. We must win to make our way through to finals."

“Affirmative.”

I | Hop3[say_team]: “ok! I am dropping my AK on YOU. I will manage with glock. We r gonna make it."

Bang!! And another among us was down. He succumbed to death before my own eyes, trying to take cover. I had lost something in my thoughts. I was no more thinking of the finals we had aimed to reach. All of a sudden I started thinking like an introvert, or a tinge of realization came over to me. Unaware of my thoughts, I | pa$$ion suddenly came out of the cover with an instantaneous raze and knocked down 2 of the enemies. But Alas!! All in vain, when the countless enemy bullets tore apart his head making him one of their cheap victims. He was too easy a prey to fall into the trap, a person who knows nothing but to fight, howsoever adverse be the situations he is put into. I | Hop3 was fighting well before he cud add his name to the dead list. The question mark was clearly visible in the eyes of them all before they died. I was left alone, armless, hopeless, devoid of all my teammates. There were exactly 4 seconds left when one of them started defusing the C4. They were all standing, facing towards me, giving me a feel of an alien species, with their guns pointing to me. Time was running away from me providing me with a scene of expressionless eyes of some unknown faces as a parting gift. I knew at any moment the monitor would go black. The timer was approaching zero giving me a feel of failure and death, when I saw a bullet flying towards me to end the story………………

Suddenly I heard the beep sound of a G Talk message and woke up. I saw the world around me unchanged as it was before I went to sleep. But something inside me had changed, something really incredible had happened. I saw a leach crawling on the floor. I started to laugh. Now I knew who those CTs were with a clear understanding of their motives. I could feel a more strong force of all my re-born terrorist teammates… Only one thing still bugs me. Did they ever die to the non-existent?? Or can they!! I have to find it from the people who were bugged by this dream ever since they thought of playing it. The answer is falling short like the ammo we have. I have to switch on the headphone. THE GAME IS STILL ON!! AND WE HAVE TO MAKE IT TO THE FINALS.

Feel me..You may call me a despondent

I know I was running too fast
I know I was chasing my dream
A dream to be with you forever,
May be a dream which was nothing more than a mirage
A dream which was just a dream
But I would have preferred not waking up

But when I look back now I realize you could never see it
That being with you till death puts us apart was all i wished
You said I could never understand you
But you never realized even I could have quoted the same words
It doesn't matter to me whose fault it was
What matters to me is what I have lost
How was I to get a dream what I was making you go through
When you know the fact that I am not Jesus Christ, Not even a demi-god

You discussed it with everyone,
But my name was not in the list
The person to whom it mattered the most,
You thought was nothing more than just a beast
The show had begun long back,
But I was invited in the end
I had no other option but just to watch,
I was just a silent spectator and I couldn't even applaud.

I tried hard not to let the sand flow out of my hand, but in vain
I could do nothing but to watch and go thorugh all the pain
All my dreams were shattered,
And all had come to an end
I din realize the moment had arrived much before
And I din even get a chance to defend.

The water in the seas were already very high
And all the sand castles were drowned
You said I was a mere hangover for you,
But when I think of the memories of the moments I have spent with you,
I still go insane. I tried a lot to cheat myself,
I also put in conscious effort to hate you but it din work
I couldn't help but to accept the truth
The truth that love is not a business, its not even a game
It doesnt matter what you did to me, though I cant deny the pain
But still I dont mind saying that I love you,
And will keep loving you till i hold my life's rein.
I have just one wish, just a wish
I wish you could understand love is not just about calculating how much you can gain,
Love is not a business, its not even a game,

Identity Crisis!!

Who am I?
Who am I without you?
May be just a dead leaf flowing with the wind,
All my emotions have dried up,
And my heart is void of dreams.
People stepped on me,
But it doesn't matter any more.
Coz I have grown numb,
And I am a despondent.
The phrase in the second last line has been picked up from your blog,
But let me tell you I'm the one with a broken heart,
I am the one who is ROMANCING WITH PAIN.
I'm a dead leaf or may be just a despondent.